she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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