just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
