alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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