I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize