the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
