I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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