i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
