I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
