Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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