he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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