I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize