My sheets look like a crime scene.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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