Who wears a wallet chain?!
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
so much tequila, so little girl.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
