Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
