yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
