I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
