So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
