I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize