Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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