I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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