I think i sorta joined a cult last night
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
