do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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