If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
