I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
