Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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