You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
