So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
