i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
