I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
