I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
