our cab driver is having phone sex.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
