I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
