Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
