I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
