i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
