best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I need to align my fucking chakras
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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