Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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