Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
