areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
