college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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