Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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