Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
