apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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