god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
