I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
