Four minutes until I can fart!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
