my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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