my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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