there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
