I think my vagina is haunted
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
