The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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