This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
