Joe is yelling at the trees again.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
