but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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