I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
