It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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