I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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